Play Excerpt:
(EXT: WHITE HOUSE, JANUARY 1803 – EARLY MORNING. On the muddy street, a PAPERBOY hawks his wares.)
PAPERBOY
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Napoleon blocks Americans from port warehouses in New Orleans! Does this mean war? How the hell should I know? Why don’t you buy a paper and find out, ya cheap bums?
(A passing procession of politicians brushes him aside. One of them grabs the paper from the boy.)
PAPERBOY
Hey, ginger, that’s a nickel!
(The pilfering politician gravely turns around, posing in profile to evoke the modern nickel: President THOMAS JEFFERSON.)
JEFFERSON
As I have so bravely fought to guarantee the freedom of the press, the press to me is therefore free.
(Jefferson shoves PAPERBOY by the face. PAPERBOY falls into the mud. JEFFERSON resumes his stride, perusing the paper.)
James, have you seen this?
(Pan to JAMES MADISON, Secretary of State.)
MADISON
Oh yes, sir, it is quite troubling indeed.
JEFFERSON
Yes, it looks like you may have to go to Paris and smack some sense into that little snail-eating bastard.
MADISON
But sir, what leverage do we have? The French army would surely annihilate us.
JEFFERSON
Perhaps, but as they and England are forever bickering like an old married couple, Napoleon can ill afford to wage wars on two continents. If you were to offer him, say, 10 million dollars for the Louisiana Territory, he’d be a fool to refuse it. Why, we shall control the entire continent!
MADISON
Are you not concerned about the people indigenous to this land? Is it not rightfully theirs?
JEFFERSON
Why James, you old bleeding heart liberal, you! Well, They are a spirited bunch, but I think they would be no match for our modern army. For the more reasonable among them who submit peacefully, I’m sure we can reserve some barren wasteland for them.
MADISON
Hm. Yes, I think that they should indeed have (ahem) “reservations” about that. But if it be God’s will, who am I to argue?
JEFFERSON
Verily! But back to the matter at hand: James you shall set sail for Paris at first light. As you travel east, I shall send a party west to chart our new territory. They must be the very best and bravest men. Who knows what terrors await them in the vast untamed wilderness?
MADISON
Indeed, you shall need men whose valor may flirt with lunacy, for who but an idiot or a madman would voluntarily undertake such a fool’s errand?
(Cut to: INT: WHITE HOUSE – DAY. LEWIS and CLARK wait to meet with JEFFERSON.)
JEFFERSON
Captain Lewis, Lieutenant Clark, thank you for meeting with me today. Gentlemen, how would you like to have lots of stuff named after you? Mostly schools?
LEWIS
I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t quite follow…
JEFFERSON
My good sirs, I know you to be intrepid explorers. How would you like to be the first men to traverse this great continent?
CLARK
Well, sir, the original inhabitants of this continent have already done so many times…
JEFFERSON
Oh, God, not you too… you sound like that pansy Madison. You know what I mean: the first… “real” people.
(LEWIS and CLARK each raise a disapproving eyebrow.)
JEFFERSON
Okay, fine, I’ll say it: The first white men. White American men. Rich white heterosexual slave-owning, gun-toting real American men, goddamn it! Can we not speak freely here, as we would in, say, the locker room of an athletic center?
CLARK
Well, sir, even in a locker room I believe all persons should be afforded basic human respect and decency.
(JEFFERSON smiles, failing to conceal his frustration.)
JEFFERSON
I see that I have indeed chosen the wisest and most diplomatic ambassadors. It is with this sensitivity and adherence to decorum that you shall establish relations with the savag… er, that is, the noble indigenous tribes you encounter along the way.
LEWIS
I see. And what is the ultimate goal of this odyssey?
JEFFERSON
Why, only the fulfillment of destiny! I need you to find a navigable waterway to the Pacific Ocean. Along the way, your detailed observations of the flora and fauna will be of inestimable value to science.
CLARK
Well, I can see that this undertaking may indeed have some merit. There’s just one little thing, though…
JEFFERSON
What is it this time, Clark?
CLARK
Well, sir, it’s just that I was hoping I could bring my slave, York. I mean, I know that it’ll mean extra provisions and everything, but… well, he’s just my favorite slave, and I think I could, you know, explore better if I had my slave with me.
JEFFERSON
Very well then, you may bring your precious slave, provided you get off your high horse about respecting everyone’s basic human rights.
CLARK
Touché, sir.
Tom was lucky enough to be born in Oregon. Some of his earliest memories are of frolicking on Cannon Beach, Short Sands and a litany of local littoral locations. His father has lived here for over half of his life, and consequently he has grown quite connected to the area.
